This is how we make babies

I actually started my first blog in 2008 to document the beginning of our journey with infertility.  It was a private blog with no followers.  Equal Parts Hope and Faith.  It was really just an online journal to document the pain and frustration that burdened my heart. I deleted it a while back.  All of that emotion and information and research.  I wish I hadn't, but I can be hasty like that on rare occasion. 

I had another blog I started when I learned I was pregnant for the first time, back in February 2010.  I documented everything.  Cycle days.  Protocol.  Doctor appointments.  It was the first space I wrote the words- "I'm Pregnant." 

And then on St. Patrick's Day I learned my pregnancy was no longer viable.  And was told to go home and wait to miscarry.  So I did.  With a hole in my heart.  I never wrote about the miscarriage.  I ended up having to have a D&C on April 6, 2010.  It was a day that breaks my heart over and over.  My baby was a little boy.  He would have been two this month.  I quit blogging while I tried to heal the hole in my heart.  Again, I wish I hadn't.  For me, writing is healing and I should have given a voice to those emotions. 

When I began preparing for my 5th fertility treatment (4 IVF cycles + 1 FET), I decided that I was not going to blog about it.  I can be superstitious and felt that maybe I was jinxing myself, prematurely getting my hopes up.  Sharing too much of what might not be mine to keep.  Ridiculously juvenile thinking in hindsight.  I get that now.

It was a difficult cycle.  I developed severe OHSS and was on bed rest.  I was  pregnant with multiples and lost Baby A at 9 weeks.  Our second angel.  They actually suspect I was pregnant with triplets but the third sac was empty so it was never confirmed. 

I wish that I had blogged during that time.  I wish that I had the foresight to know that this pregnancy was real and would last and would be the one to finally make me a mother.  But I didn't.  I took pictures of my belly every week, documenting a pregnancy I didn't believe was real, but I didn't write about it. I am grateful for those pictures but sad that I didn't capture my pregnancy with words the way I had always dreamed I would. I didn't write in any of the pregnancy journals I received as gifts.  Didn't fill in the pregnancy calendar identical to the one I had been so detailed with for my first pregnancy.  I couldn't shake the feeling that this baby was not guaranteed to be mine until I held her in my arms. 

I suppose that is what happens when you become comfortable and accepting of the struggle.  And I don't mean just infertility.  I have always been a glass half full type of girl despite the hardships I've endured.  But I carefully balance that with always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

So although I'm not ready to delve into the complexity and severity of our infertility, I do feel that I am ready to make a home for parts of it on this blog.  And I am certainly open to discussing or answering questions if you'd like to direct them to me in an email. 

So that brings me to today.  Where I get to share that we are working on Baby #2.  It sure isn't happening the fun old-fashioned way, but I've grieved that loss already.  It still stings from time to time, but I am ever grateful to modern medicine and all that has enabled Paul and I to become parents.

We have 4 frozen embryos from our last IVF cycle (the one that gave us our miracle, Elena) that are sitting on ice in NJ waiting for us.  We have decided that since we will be home in NJ for the month of December, we will coordinate a Frozen Embryo Transfer with our trip so we can cycle with our beloved fertility clinic. 

I am nervous and anxious and scared and uncertain.  Translation- I am down right panicked.  But excited, hopeful, and positive at the same time.

So yes, friends, this is happening right now.  This is how we make babies. 

Baby making cocktail sprawled out on my mother-in-law's bed...scandalous! 

If you decide that you don't want to follow along as I document this go-around, I understand.  But I'm making no apologies and no hasty blog-deleting decisions, no matter what the outcome.

 I realize that, although infertility doesn't define me or my husband, it is a huge part of our lives.  One that I feel needs to be included and incorporated throughout this blog of mine, as it is still painful and real and present, even now that I have a child. 

Once Upon a Dime is here to stay. 

Shiny and New

So here's why I'm loving blogging...

It's become an outlet to just share things---Big things & little things.  Even if no one is interested or cares to read about them.  It's sort of like transcribing the voice of my inner monologue, but with less cursing and some censoring of my weirdness.

It's cathartic.  Once Elena goes to bed,  I'm lonely.  Paul is generally out of town 4 nights a week, so  catching up and commenting on blogs, and sharing what's been going on during our days and in my mind keeps me busy.  Less lonely.  Awww, yea for cyber friends. 

I'm loving how it's allowed me to connect with others who inspire me, make me laugh, pique my curiosity, and make me want to put on something other than yoga pants everyday.  I vow to post an #ootd  before my blogging days are over.  Hold me to it.

It's introduced me to fellow Ohio bloggers, whom I'm really hoping I get to meet this weekend, and who won't judge me because I'm the RBN {Resident Blog Newb} with only 37 followers.

It's capturing our story.  Which is really what this is all about to me.  I struggle daily with my intentions here.  Some days my posts are fluff, and I'm disappointed.  Some days they delve deep, and I wonder if it's normal or okay to share so much with complete strangers---things that even in real life people don't know.  Other days, they serve as a running record of our life....simple, boring, fun, and challenging as it may be.

I want to look back here as a way to remember the details.  The stories behind the pictures.  I want to challenge myself to be more creative, more honest, more committed to something that makes me feel good.  Writing makes me feel good.

You know what else makes me feel good?  Pretty blog designs.  I'm envious of all the creative people out there who are saavy enough to pimp their own blogs.  I tried that a few times.  I failed.  Though I did finally learn how to add page tabs and thought I was  a genius.

So guess what I'm doing?  Going all shiny and new.  Getting a pretty new design here at Once Upon a Dime.  

At first, I felt sort of silly at first paying for a blog design since I don't have a substantial following and wasn't sure how invested I was in keeping up with my piece of the internet.  And then I realized how foolish that sounded.  Regardless of my following, regardless of how long I wind up blogging or how often, this is my space.  It should reflect my style.  It should make me feel good when I click "View Blog."

I purchased a pre-made blog template from Designer Blogs.  I may just be the most indecisive person on the planet, so to even decide on a design and commit to it,  is huge.  I figure, I'm still quite green when it comes to all the blogosphere know-how, so something custom can wait until I'm a little more seasoned. 

I'm super excited and can't wait to see how it turns out.  Stay tuned!

And because every post needs a picture, here are my two babies...

Professional road-trippers: Lainey and Lola

USMC Birthday & My favorite Veteran

In keeping with tradition, we celebrated the Marine Corp birthday in the city of brotherly love.

Philadelphia.

Birthplace of the USMC. 

We've gone to Cookie's Tavern for the past several years to gather with hundreds of others to celebrate.  

Cookie's Tavern- 10th & Oregon

 

 

 

 

 

Most importantly, gathered with our favorite Marines. 

And favorite Marine wives.

My girl, Jess.  She was my rock when the boys were deployed.  I wouldn't have survived without her love, friendship and support.  I love this woman. 

I really don't think that there is anything sweeter than seeing those you love in their happy place.  This is my husband's happy place.  

These are my husband's happy people.  

 

When they get together, it's as if they haven't missed a beat.  Even if it's been a year since they've seen one another.  They crack beers and tell stories.  Rib on each other and laugh.  My goodness, do they laugh.  At one point, Paul told me his cheeks were aching from laughing so much.  My cheeks hurt from laughing at him laughing. 

I'm happy to be the sober driver.  So he can go and share this time and tradition with his buddies brothers.  I'm fine to stand back and nurse a 22 ounce just watch .  Soaking up the happiness and catching the contagious laughter.  

And I love that it's become a tradition and something we look forward to every year.  Something that he looks forward to sharing with me, with Elena---she went while she was in my belly two years ago, and as a little thing at 6 months old last year.  And now this year, she wowed everyone with how big she's gotten, and of course her cuteness and sass.

Best buddies

It was truly a great day.  The weather was perfect.  The company was perfect.  And even my never-naps-in-a-stroller child was perfect.  She actually fell asleep right at her nap time, despite the revving Harley's, the raucous band, and the hundreds of drunk people all around her.  Ahhh-may-zing. 

 

So grateful to be able to celebrate such a special day with my special hero.  

I honor him today, as we observe Veteran's Day, and all the other brave men and women who have served our great country.   I stand in awe of their selfless bravery and courage every single day.  

Semper Fidelis

Road trip

We are road tripping, people. Headed to the motherland that is NJ to see family and celebrate the Marine Corp birthday with Paul's Marine buddies in Philadelphia tomorrow.

It's too early o'clock in the morning and this girl forgot her coffee.

And my lovely husband refuses- Refuses to stop before 150 miles of travel. I am probably being dramatic with that last statement. He would probably stop if I begged or asked *really* nicely.

Scratch that.

He just informed me that I should be sleeping. I told him I was blogging. To which he informed me that we weren't stopping until 7:00.

So yeah, I should probably be sleeping if I have to endure two more hours before I can get some coffee coursing through my veins.

Granted, it's a ten hour-ish ride from Columbus to NJ, so leaving early makes sense. But this whole set-the-alarm-for-3:30 thing is for the birds. Especially since I am an insomniac and probably fell asleep at 3:29.

And especially since this sweet child 'o mine wakes up and STAYS up as soon as I lift her little body from her crib.

As soon as I put her in her car seat she looked over to her right and happily exclaimed, "Lola!" I die. We don't have many words but she sure knows "Lola."

Lola, who is currently curled up in a little ball, in her bed, next to Elena stinking up the car with her sleepy corn chip paw smell. Love. I know I'm not the only crazy who sniffs her dog's paws. Or that thinks her dog's paws smell like Tostitos or Fritos.

We're almost an hour in. Only 9 more to go. The sun isn't up yet. So I should try to shut her down. And by her, I mean me. The trusty white noise app is in full effect. Hoping it will lull Elena to sleep. I think it may be working for me. Hopefully not for Paul.

Zzzz.

Social Media Wake-up call: Instagram love

Wow. Clearly I have been living under a rock. I seem to be part of the older crowd here in blog land {35...gasp}so I'm thinking I deserve a reprieve for being so inept when it comes to social media.

I'd say I've got Facebook on lock. I could probably post, comment, or upload a photo in my sleep.

Twitter, well, I try. And I'm learning. I did finally learn what a hashtag was a few months back. That cleared up a lot of confusion. And embarrassment. Because, yes, I was openly saying pound or, worse yet, number sign #truth. 

Pinterest is another time suck favorite. I've made quite a few recipes and even some DIY crafts, which I'll share soon. It's pure genius.  I don't know whether I should be happy or sad it didn't exist in the days of my wedding planning. 

Not only have I been pinspired to DIY and try new recipes, but I've even traded in my yoga pants and hoodie for an actual #ootd.  Though I still don't own a bib necklace or know how to tie a scarf.  As fabulous as Pinterest is, not gonna lie, I get a case of mom guilt every once in a while because I have yet to bento my one and half year old's lunch or chalkboard paint the interior walls of my house. 

And then there was Instagram.

I love taking pictures so when I discovered Instagram upon getting my iPhone {a year and a half ago} I was all over it. I loved the different filters and how it could make my average cell phone pics look like  maybe I  knew a thing or two about taking pictures. And it was much easier than hipstamatic which I still don't get. Do people even use that anymore?

I obviously wasn't blind to the fact that most every blogger on my blog roll invites their followers to follow them on various social media outlets with their 'Follow me on twitter, pinterest, Facebook, Instagram' buttons.  But I never quite got what it meant to follow one of my favorites on
Instagram. And it took until very recently for me to realize what following on Instagram actually meant. #duh. I don't even know how I realized it and figured it out. But somehow I did. And holy shitballs. A whole new world. I am obsessed. And I can't stop. And my unhealthy attachment to my phone has just gone to a whole new level.

I try to only use my phone for social media stalking when Elena is asleep. Naptimes are too busy so I find myself lying in bed until all hours of the night glued to my phone. I may need an intervention. I've always been a voyeur of sorts. I'm totally curious about people. How people live. What they eat. Where they shop. What's in their fridge. Probably why I love reality TV.  And definitely why I love reading blogs.  It's getting to know the tidbits about people.  Translation- I'm nosy.

So if you see a new follower request, or lots of likes and/or comments from a certain kcamp07....don't be afraid.  It's just little old me.

Busting out the sidewalk chalk on an 80 degree day last week

Celebrating Nana.  Would have been my mom's birthday on Saturday.

Token wine shot.

So What! Wednesday

This week I'm saying So What! if....


I just recently figured out following on Instagram #obsessed

My daughter just got her first pair of Uggs and she isn't even two. #noapologies

I've been working out in my garage instead of using my gym membership. 

I have a beef with Victoria's Secret because they are being tight lipped about when and if they'll be getting their Ohio State line.

I'm majorly sad that I won't be decorating for Christmas since we'll be in NJ the entire month of December.

I'm ready for Christmas music.  Too early?  I think not!

I'm a big fat baby and cried last night when Ohio went to Obama. 

I'm *thiiiiis* close to deleting lame people on Facebook that are sore WINNERS. 

I've got pizza and bagels on the brain...we're heading back to Jersey first thing in the morning.

I'm patting myself on the back for committing to my Turbo Fire workouts 6 days a week.  I'm on week 4 and I'm addicted.  

Elena sitting at her new kiddie table might be the most ridiculously cute thing I've ever seen.  Aside from the Uggs, of course.

I think about food all. the. time.

And with that, I'm off to find a  healthy snack :)

Looking forward to hopping around to see what everyone else is So What-ing! this week!

Weekend Stuff

My mind has been focused on family and home after the devastation of Sandy.
Thank the good Lord all of my family and friends are safe.
I hope all of yours are, as well.
My in-laws finally got power back last night and my sister and her family were up and running today.  Several of my friends are still living in the dark.
Some are living in hotels.
It has been quite humbling to experience Sandy 500+ miles away, warm and plugged in. 

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It's hard for me to believe we ushered in the first weekend of November.  It's officially red cup season at Starbucks and I couldn't be happier.  I celebrated accordingly with a Peppermint Mocha.  It was better than I remembered.  I'm a little excited to sample the other holiday goodness Sbux has to offer this year...Toasted marshamallow latte?  Uhm, yes, please.  I also am a nerd and looked on their website heard they are serving up S'mores hot chocolate.  So it's basically looking like I'll be meeting (read::exceeding) my calorie quota in liquids for the months of November and December.  Perhaps I'll throw in some holiday cookies for good measure.

So yes, November is off to a good start.

It was a busy weekend around these parts.  Friday is traditionally Pizza Night in our household.  However, we've yet to find anything that resembles pizza out here in the mid-west.  Not hating, just speaking some truth.  I put my foot down to another Friday of Domino's and we wound up at Whole Foods for dinner.  A dangerous place when you're hungry.  Hell, it's a dangerous place even when you're not hungry.  Anyway, Paul decided on some prepared foods and I kept with tradition and got pizza for Elena and I.

Spinach, bacon, apple, and bleu cheese.

After dinner it was bath, play, and bed for the little one...It sure was nice to have Paul home to help battle the witching hour  share the routine and wrap up the day.   After that, I lost him to Fox News.  Not the most romantical evening we've had, but that's what I know to expect during an election.

I actually dragged my butt down to the garage and did my Turbo Fire workout.  I was pretty impressed with myself for getting my workout in.  On a Friday night.  Times sure have changed.

Saturday we had family pictures.  They were scheduled for 10:30 at a park about 20 minutes away so we were up early getting ourselves ready.  It was a beautiful day, albeit a cold one.  I layered Elena good and hoped she'd handle the cold okay.  Honestly, the cold isn't what really concerned me.  And for the record, cold-schmold.  This kid is no wimp like her mama.

My husband is always telling me to manage my expectations.  So, I expected Elena not to sit still.  Or take direction.  I expected her to give the photographer the stink eye and maybe a scowl.  I expected she'd refuse to hold any cute holiday props.  Expected she'd flail about like we were kidnapping her if we tried to hold her for a family shot.  I expected she'd go all psycho-baby-limp-wet-noodle-cray-cray if she saw something she wanted and we didn't give it to her.   Well, I'm happy to report that managing my expectations was just about the smartest thing I could have done.  Thanks, Paul.  She lived up to and even exceeding ALL of my expectations.  I've yet to see a sneak peek and I'm hoping it's b/c the photographer is busy, and not because she's clamoring, trying to find a way to tell me she didn't get a decent shot.

Glad to be leaving the photo shoot

I caved and bought my almost 18 month old daughter Uggs.  They are so cute.  I die.  

We grabbed lunch on the way home.  For some reason I thought it'd be a good idea to get Skyline Chili.  It's kind of so gross it's good.  But not.  I can't even think about it.  Moving on.  Paul had to leave us for a work event in Cincinnati, which totally depressed me so I decided I needed to nap while Elena napped.  Once Elena went to bed I took advantage of my solo girl's night by ordering sushi and watching We Bought a Zoo.  I actually really enjoyed it.


Paul got home in the late morning on Sunday.  We played, cleaned, and played some more.  Paul introduced Elena to cards. 

 

We took a trip to Target after her nap and then attempted to vote early.  Total shit show.  We got stuck in traffic getting to the early voting center, which was a mob scene, complete with the entire Sesame Street gang dancing to Michael Jackson amidst people carrying signs of aborted fetuses.  Total family affair.  Not to mention, the line was about 1,000 deep.  Needless to say we turned around and came home.  

We stopped at Outback for some curbside take away deliciousness and ended the night with some good TV.  #Homeland #BreakingAmish #BoarwalkEmpire #TheWalkingDead

Crazy post-ponytail hair.  This kid loves bread.  

Excited for the week to begin...we're going home to NJ at some point and I'm just hoping our travel doesn't collide with the impending Nor'Easter.  Clearly the world is ending.  Hurricane, earthquake, and Nor'Easter in one week?  #doomsday