Santa Baby...Then and Now

We did a lot of prep for this, ya know.  Pointing out every Santa we saw to familiarize her with this fat jolly bearded  stranger.   Santa "drive bys" at every single mall we've visited since the North Pole invaded for the season.  I even bought her a life size (toddler life size, anyway) Santa balloon from the grocery store, hoping they'd be fast friends.  

Much different than my approach last year.  You know,  for first year Santa pictures. 

Last year was a breeze.  We tortured her by changing her in the middle of the mall because I didn't want her dress to wrinkle in the car seat (puhleeeaze...first time mom shit right there).  She hardly complained.  We waited on line for an hour.  She was a peach.  We plopped our roly-poly on Santa's lap and it was like love at first sight---full out tugging on his beard and all smiles for the camera.  

And this year, well...

She was all "Hiii Santa" with her cute open/close wave when we were next in line.  Clearly my month of planning was successful.  For a fleeting moment I thought we had a chance.  But really? Deep down in my mama gut?  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would have no part in sitting on his lap willingly, let alone with a smile. 

And really? 

I was secretly hoping for the token get-me-the-hell-off-this-fluffball's lap picture.  And I got it.  Complete with screamfest 2012 and a clear shot of back molars for the win.  #success


Merry Christmas!

Grieving for the grieving

I keep pushing this post aside because, honestly, I'm not even sure how to tackle it. Not even sure I feel okay with sharing my own emotions as they are so trivial in comparison to those that have lost their loved ones.  Those that have been directly affected.  But I  needed to give a voice to my feelings and emotions.  And I know in my own times of grief and heartache, the shared collectiveness of others who grieved for me, helped to heal me. 

I have a million things on my mind.  All things I want to blog about and share.  All of which seem, right now, like fluff.  Of course these things are important and relevant in my life, but in the face of what has happened in Connecticut, my thinking has shifted to heavier things.  Things that I couldn't *not* talk about.  Baby bumpdates and Christmas cards can wait. 

I cannot begin to imagine, for even a fraction of a second, the guttural pain and anguish the parents of the Sandy Hook shooting victims are feeling.  I just.  can.  not.

I'm usually one to sit glued to the television when tragedies are unfolding.  When JFK Jr. died in the plane crash, you couldn't peel me away.  September 11th, as we awaited news on a family member, I watched in utter horror and disbelief.  For days.  And days.  And days.  Jason never came home.  And as a 10 year old I remember watching Baby Jessica being rescued from the well.  My anxieties skyrocketed and I couldn't sleep, but I also wouldn't stop watching. 

This tragedy?  This unspeakable, heinous, heartbreaking tragedy?  I cannot.  Cannot bring myself to watch it unfold on television.  The moments I have watched left me on my knees, in front of my child, choking on tears. 

The children.  Those little babies.  I can only rest in knowing they are with Our Father now.  Safe and sound and unafraid.  But to think of them in those last moments of their fragile, innocent, barely begun lives fractures my heart into a million splinters each and every time.  And their parents?  My mama heart just can't go there.  I can't. 

Just hours before the shooting, I had been at my 4 year old nieces Christmas show at her pre-school.   After, when I saw the news I couldn't help but imagine if a crazed gunman had opened fire in the Church auditorium as the little lambs and angles and shepherds sang of Jesus' birth.  How unsafe we can all be at any given moment even in the safest town.  Doing the safest things.  Watching a Christmas pageant.  Going to school.  How when you say goodbye to your child as you usher them off to school, you never in your wildest imagination could fathom never seeing them again.  

I cannot stop thinking of the principal, the school psychologist, and the heroic teachers of Sandy Hook Elementary who gave their lives in an attempt to protect those children.  Though it is so easy to focus solely on the children, I have been reminded of the faculty that died that day and offer my prayers for them and their grieving families.  All lives were cut too short that day. 

There are just so many elements of pain that saturate this tragedy.  I am heartbroken for the families.  Absolutely devastated as I imagine being in their shoes.  It wrecks me.  So though I may not be immersing myself in the news, I have been faithful in my prayers.  I have whispered their names up to God.  Each of those babies' names.  

It is unimaginable to me as I hear the journalists on TV talk of healing.  How will this town heal?  The parents and families of the victims?  I'm not sure.  All I am sure of in this moment is that I will pray for that healing to come.  Pray for the families and the community. Hug my own family tighter.  My daughter.  Give thanks one night at a time that she is here for me to hold and love and enjoy.

God bless the souls of those that were lost and the lives of those that live to pick up the pieces. 

So What! Wednesday

This week I'm saying So What! if...

You all know I'm pregnant before most of my in real life people.

I cannot stop peeing on sticks to confirm that there are still, indeed, two pink lines.  

I have spent a fortune on the above addiction habit and can. not. stop.  I have limited myself to two a day.  Starting tomorrow.

I think Al Roker looked better when he was fat.  

I haven't sat down to address my Christmas cards yet.  I am totally procrastinating.  Any volunteers?

I went through the McDonald's drive-thru today and ordered a two cheeseburger meal.  Hold everything but the cheese.  One for me.  One for Elena.  And we ate in the car. 

I am not even 4 weeks pregnant and am feeling queasy.  And this excites me.  Morning sickness...bring it! 

I think it's cool that tomorrow (today, by now) is 12.12.12.  I like numbers.  This does not mean I am good at Math.  I suck at math. 

I can't believe it's been a year since we decided to treat Elena with the DOC Band.  I miss that cute little helmet head of mine!

I'm kind of scared of my child's behavior as of late.  I don't know if it's the terrible 2's, her eye teeth, being away from the routine of home, or if it's just her already feisty/stubborn/independent personality gaining strength, but she has been giving me a run for my money lately.

I hate sleeping with socks on, but my room at my Aunt's (where we're staying while home in NJ) is above the garage and is so cold I have to.  

I can't wait to hug it out with Paul and jump up and down to celebrate those two pink lines. He's been gone in Ohio since Saturday. 

I'm about to ugly cry like a baby while I watch Parenthood.

Two Pink Lines

God is good.
This happened yesterday.

Very, very early.
3dp5dt.
In infertility speak, that translates to 3 days past a 5 day transfer, or 8 days past ovulation for a normal baby making mama.
I tested + at 3dp5dt when I was pregnant with Elena, when all 3 embryos had implanted.
Makes me think that maybe Macaroni and Cheese both decided to snuggle in.
Or maybe one of them split.
Or maybe it's just one strong little babe.
In this moment though, I am pregnant.
And I cannot stop thanking God and praying for this pregnancy to be a healthy and strong one. 
I also cannot stop peeing on sticks.
And pulling the most recent test out of my pocket to stare at it and make sure that beautiful second pink line hasn't disappeared. 

I know most people wouldn't believe it's possible to actually experience symptoms so early, but when you are so hyper-aware of what is happening in your body, it is certainly possible. I know I love to stalk the Internet when I'm in the dreaded 2 week wait to analyze my symptoms or lack thereof.  So, I'm gonna share what's been going on since my transfer.

I also promised myself that I'd document this journey, whatever happened, for the sake of telling my story.  All of it.

1dp5dt Symptoms

Mild twinges and tightness in lower abdomen.

A few moments of mild cramps, almost indetectable.

Strange dreams.

2dp5dt Symptoms

Emotional and sad. Cried a good, hard cry.

Hungrier than normal.

Ate my favorite soup and got nauseous out of nowhere.  Ran upstairs and vomited.  Felt fine immediately after.  {I've never had morning sickness with either of my previous pregnancies}

3dp5dt Symptoms

 Took test around 11am- negative.

Another night of strange dreams.

Increasing stretching uterus feeling.

Heaviness in uterus.

Gut feeling I was pregnant.

2nd HPT 7pm-faint, faint positive.  OMG! 

4dp5dt Symptoms  

 No new symptoms.  No sore boobs.  No nausea.  

Peeing more than usual.

Uterus stretchy feeling.

Some mile crampy twinges.

     

    One constant symptom 

     Overwhelming gratitude.  

I have a more thoughtful post in my head on being pregnant again.  On this incredible blessing.  On giving my baby a sibling.  About sharing my mama love with another and the paralyzing fear that invokes.  My mind is full of things I want to share but I'll save them for another day.  

Goodnight, friends.  xoxo

Transfer day

Well folks, I am currently PUPO.  In the world on the infertile that stands for Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  

Yesterday was the day of my embryo transfer.  

Despite the daily injections and pill popping that I've been doing for weeks to ready my body, the day sort of arrived quicker than I was mentally or emotionally prepared for {I'll save that for a later post}. Physically, as my scans and labs proved, I was ripe and ready to incubate and hopefully grow a baby.  Or babies.  

If you're just joining me here, please feel free to read about how we make babies here.   

Originally, Paul wasn't supposed to be there for the transfer.  He's was in NYC at a big conference and would never have made it for the 12:30 transfer.   It wasn't until the morning of that Paul let me know he would be with me.  Holding my hand.  Watching our tiny embryos shoot like stars into my uterus.  He had been very upset prior, knowing he wouldn't be there.  It was really important to him.  As it was to me too.  Though I downplayed those feelings to spare him additional guilt.  But he made it work.  I am so grateful.  My best friend was supposed to be the pinch hitter, so she still came with us for support and love.  She is-plain and simple-the best. 

Minutes before heading back for the transfer.

As soon as we arrived we were taken back and told to change into the stunning napkins you see above. I took the Valium they gave me and was feeling good in no time.   I wasn't nervous for the procedure itself, but was on the edge of my seat awaiting the thaw report to see how our embryos survived coming out of cryopreservation.  There is always a possibility that they will arrest or be damaged. 

We have four frozen embryos from our last fresh IVF cycle that gave us Elena.  We are grateful that the two we decided to thaw survived and looked good.  They were graded 5BB and 5BC at the time of vitrification. 

Our embryos- Macaroni & Cheese.  Yes.  We name them.  We believe Elena was "Egg" from Taylor Ham, Egg, and Cheese from our last cycle. 

The procedure itself is quite simple.  You lay on a table with your legs in stirrups.  Always a fun time.  Then they insert the speculum.  Again, fun stuff.  The doctor preps your girly parts, making chit chat and laughing with your husband, of course.  You know, because he's the one staring up your vajingo.  Not your husband.  Not that my husband usually stares up there, but you know what I mean.  I hope.  Anyway, where was I...yes, this is when the nurse has the ultrasound wand on your belly so the doc can see your uterus. And they're telling you how thick and cushy it looks.  And you're all "Yay!" for your plush endometrial lining.  I was proud. 

There are a few others in the room and the mood is light and enjoyable, actually.  Dim lights.  Classical music.  Husband holding my hand.  And seriously, this doctor? This nurse?  The IVF coordinator?  They're all there and we're all friends at this point.  They have been with us since the beginning of this journey back in April 2008.  It really is a magical and surreal moment.

 Then the embryologist comes in to confirm who you are and brings the catheter containing both of the embryos and hands it to the doctor.  He guides it in to the perfect spot in my uterus and injects them.  And it's crazy because you can see them.  The little fluid bubbles that they are in or whatever, like little shooting stars.  One and Two.  Once the embryologist confirms under the microscope that the catheter is empty.  We are done and done. The nurse raises the bed so my legs are elevated and I get to rest there with my husband for the next 30 minutes or so.  

You're pregnant.  Those were my husband's first words to me when we were alone.  I believed him.  The power of positive thinking keeps me going. 

I imagine, that because my husband and I cannot ever procreate the way most people do, I try to find all the ways that make *our way* special.  And this moment, here?  This IS special.  To be able to actually see with your own eyes your children {yes, I believe at this point, they ARE my babies, whether they survive or not} being placed inside your uterus is, in a word, amazing.  Tears streaming down your face, husband-hand-squeezing amazing.  To know the exact moment that your embryos have entered your womb to hopefully make a home.  Awesome.

They recommend 24 hours of bed rest, which is laughable to me with an 18 month old.  But I did my best.  I was starving so we stopped at the diner on our way home to pick up my favorite tomato rice soup for lunch.  When we got back to my Aunt's, she was taking Elena for a walk so we were able to get a few bites before they came back.  

All that little girl wanted was her mama.  And honestly, I just wanted to hold her.  I let her sit in my lap and share my soup and then I retired to the couch.  I spent the rest of the afternoon between the couch and the floor playing with Elena and watching TV, not really resting, per se, but definitely taking it easy and letting my aunt and Paul help out.  

I was so grateful to have Paul home.  It made all the difference in my stress level.  I sat on the floor in the bathroom while he did bath duty and then I helped dress her  and get her ready for bed.  Paul put her in my arms so I could rock her for a  few minutes and then he got her to bed.  We both went to bed early.  I even called it a night before Scandal, which I'd been waiting for since last week's cliffhanger!  I slept like a rock. 

I tried to take it easy today too, but Elena is cutting her eye teeth, I think, and was cranky and needy all day.  

Now I just have to endure the two week wait until my beta, which is scheduled for the 17th.  I'm praying for an early Christmas miracle.  In the meantime, I'm overanalyzing every twinge, flutter and cramp.  I'm positive I felt implantation the first two times I was pregant and tested positive on an HPT fairly early.  So, I keep hoping for that same gut feeling.  I've had some twinges today, a little bit of that stretching, pulling sensation and a brief moment of a tiny, barely noticeable cramp.  Could it be implantation?  Sure.  Or it could just be the less than healthy things I've consumed today turning my insides out.  Including, but not limited to 6 mini cinnamon donuts I inhaled right before I came up to bed. 

For any inquiring minds, yes, I will definitely be peeing on a stick.  I have no self control.  

Thanks for sharing the journey.  Prayers, sticky vibes, happy thoughts, baby dances...whatever you got, are all welcomed. I thank you in advance.

Stay tuned...

xoxo

So What! Wednesday

This week I'm saying So What! if...

I bought a two pack of pregnancy tests today at CVS and my embryo transfer hasn't even happened yet.  #pee-on-a-stick-aholic

It felt damn good to sit with a dear friend for 4 hours and just catch up and gossip while our kids ran around like crazy people. 

I enjoyed this gorgeous, almost 70 degree day but am hoping for the cold to come back.  I packed for a month here in WINTER.  Not spring. 

I feel like I should mention that I did not cry during this week's episode of Parenthood.  I was all proud of myself until I saw the previews for next week.  Yeah, pretty sure I'll cry enough to make up for this week.  #effyoucancer

I can't imagine how you people with a gazillion followers feel knowing so many people are tuned in to you.  I hit 49 today and was like, Whoa.

I have been self-administering my progesterone shot intramuscularly in my ass and can hardly walk as a result.  

I'm surprised at how much I miss Ohio life now that I'm back in NJ. 

I'm totally obsessed with the small potatoes on Disney Junior.  I don't know if it's the fact that they are 4 rapping, singing and dancing potatoes or that they have British accents, or both.  They are so cute.  Small potato rock.  I dare you to youtube it and not agree.  

Elena likes to eat black olives.   So what, you ask?  I love my black olives, too.  #mybabyisablackolivebandit

I'm so excited to go visit my friend and her new baby girl tomorrow but am dreading driving to Long Island.  

The toddler drama is in full effect and I can't find a time out chair, mat, bean bag, whatever, soon enough.  HELP!

As usual...looking forward to hopping around and seeing what all of you are So What-ing this week! Happy Wednesday!

A Few Blog Firsts...Thanks Becky and Meg!

Two really exciting blog related things went down yesterday.

I won my first giveaway!  Uhm, Hello Starbucks gift card from the sweet, fellow Starbucks addict, Becky. If she really is the Java Mama like her blog title proclaims, then I MUST be her sister from another mister because I  possibly, very likely definitely qualify for a Starbucks intervention.  Especially during holiday season.

The most amaze thing about winning, you ask?  I NEVER, hardly ever, well, okay maybe once before, have ever entered a giveaway.  Probably because I get all nervous with rafflecopter entries.  Like, how do you tweet that you entered a giveaway?  "Oh heeeey! I just entered a giveaway on Becky's blog!"  Would that have been right?  #Somebodypleasehelpme #twitterphobe  So yes, this was likely the second one I'd ever entered and I probably only had two entries.  One for being a follower.  Another for commenting.  But, yeah, I won.  And the email I received from Becky yesterday was like Santa coming down my chimney 22 days early! Thanks again, Becky!

As if that wasn't enough, I was nominated for the Liebster Award by the ever-so-sweet, new mama of two, Meg, at Staying home with Scarlett---though technically she's Staying Home with Scarlett & Poppy, now!  I was a little giddy, as I am new to this blog gig and it amazes me that people actually read my ramblings.  I've had several other blogs but this go around, I'm really enjoying actually being a part of the blogger community...reading, posting comments, hopping around, linking-up.

Unfortunately, I can't fulfill all the requirements of the Leibster award.  Womp womp.
 

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers (which I am) who have less than 200 followers (which I do)...the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.  

This is wear I run in to a pickle.  I do not have 11 qualified bloggers to pass this award on to.  All of you guys have gone and gotten all popular on my ass with 200+ followers, psssht.   I love all the blogs I read and legit read EVERY blog in my reader.  I am not one to follow someone just for the sake of following.  And so it's gonna take some time for me to pass this on.  But it's incentive to get out there and find some quality reads of people like me who are just strarting to share their voice.  

So, although I have to respectfully decline, I figured I'd at least share 11 random/fun facts and answer the questions that Meg was thoughtful enough to come up with! 

11 Things About Me:

1. I found the perfect leggings yesterday and I don't ever want to take them off.  Like, seriously, never ever.  

2. I am deathly afraid of lightening.  

3.  My best friend's name is also Katie, just like me.  Just Katie.  Not Katherine or Kathleen.  

4.  I was a vegetarian for 11 years.  I could totally do without meat, except bacon and pork roll, of course.

5.  I love to sing and dance, though wouldn't consider myself good at either. I can be found rocking out in my car at a red light with my daughter fist pumping in the back.

6. I feel it is more socially acceptable to do #5 while still having Jersey plates on  my car.  When I have to finally give them up, like tomorrow, and get my Ohio tags, my red light dance party days might be numbered.  Emphasis on *might*.

7. My husband was in the Marines- when he was in Iraq in 2003 I wrote him a letter every night that he was gone.

8. I am a cleaning and organizing fanatic. Completely OCD like Sleeping with the Enemy- all my labels have to face the same way and my closet is color coordinated.

9. I stay up way too late every night playing on my iPhone while I'm in bed.  I scroll though my day in pictures, just staring at my silly girl and watching videos I've taken of her because I miss her when she's sleeping.  Then I wake up and countdown to nap time because I'm exhausted and need a break.  

10.  I got engaged in a cemetery--- you can read about that here---the same cemetery that is now under 24 hour security b/c Whitney Houston is laid to rest there. 

11.  In less than 72 hours I will pregnant until proven otherwise.  My Frozen Embryo Transfer is scheduled for Thursday at 12:30. 

11 Questions From Meg 

1. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? Expensive jeans and hand bags.  Oh yeah, and cookies, cakes, candy etc.

2. If you could travel to one place in time, where would you go? Probably the late 1800's- early 1900's...simpler times...like Little House on the Prairie.

3. Can you tell me about one of your favorite blogs?   Well duh, Meg's blog, of course!  She is definitely a favorite...love reading about moms raising little girls like me. 

4. Did you buy a Powerball ticket for the $550 million jackpot?! No! Though I did beg my husband to stop at the store on his way home from work.

5. What are your top name choices for your next baby or pet?!  (I probably won't steal them!;) If it's a girl, I am not sure.  I was so certain of Elena's name and it is still one of the best choices I've ever made. Naming a second girl will be tough.  For a boy, our top contender the first time around was Luca or Rocco.  

6. Are your holiday cards ordered?!  Is your tree up??! OMG! NO!  Don't remind me.  I am usually so on top of this.  But this year I wasn't totally happy with our pics so I am stalling.  Must get on it though.  And no, no tree :(  We are staying with family for the month of December so decided not to decorate in Ohio since we won't be there.  We'll hopefully get to trim the tree with several family and friends in NJ, though. 

7. What's one thing you love about where you are from? What's not to love about NJ??? The Jersey shore, of course and the fact that I can get in my car and drive to the beach, to the city, or to the country all within an hour. 

8. What is one of your biggest pet peeves? Rude people.  Like if you don't hold the door for me or if you don't give me the hand wave if I graciously let you cut me off...I will audibly sigh, preferably loud enough for you to hear.  Or give you the finger if I'm in my car.  It's so much easier to be nice, people!

9. What is a favorite someecard that you've found??  

10. Recommend a favorite children's book.  (From your childhood or that your kids like.) Pat the Bunny.  A classic favorite of mine and my toddler's.  We're also big on Night Night Little Pookie these days.  I read it about 3 times each night.  I love all of Sandra Boynton's books. 

11. Where is your favorite place to shop online? Anywhere that has free shipping and free returns! 

Thanks again, Becky and Meg!