At the Mercy of a 2 year old

At the risk of beating a dead horse, I'm talking about toddler drama.  Again. 

Today was another one for the books.  Elena is two months shy of her second birthday and I think it's safe to say that we are strapped in tight, white knuckle grip and all,  on the roller coaster that is the Terrible Twos.

God help me.  No, seriously.  God, I know you've got greater prayers to answer, but if you could send a little sanity, a lot of patience, and a dose of reassurance that I'm not the worst mom in the world, that'd be great. This conveniently comes at a time when I cannot drink or medicate myself.  Awesome. 

I'll spare you the gory details, because honestly?  I'm exhausted and it would take too damn long to recount the days' events.  In a nutshell, let's just say that every. single. thing. in our daily routine has become a production.  Diaper changes, getting dressed, meals {don't even get me started on meals, that's a post for another day}, going shopping, getting in and out of the car seat, sitting in the stroller, sitting in her highchair, brushing her teeth, which bib she wears.  I'm pretty confident if she were talking in sentences she'd tell me she hates me. 

Perhaps I'm being the slightest bit dramatic.  Not every moment is a struggle.  And of course I know she loves me. She plops herself down nicely on my lap to get her shoes on and she she loves to sit quietly and draw.  She dances and twirls around to the "ewebic" {that would be music}on my phone, and gives me kisses randomly and always when I ask.  She loves to laugh at the dog and walk around with a phone pretending to talk to Daddy.  She says "sahjee" {sorry} with the sweetest little pouty lip when I get her from Time Out and thinks it's hysterical to pretend to tickle herself.  She is all of this, more, and then some. 

It helps to write this after such a long day.  To process it, acknowledge it as normal toddler behavior, and focus on the highlights of our day.  Because in between the blood curdling screams and defiant, sassy "nopes", there are many, many highlights. 

And always, always, I can count on these at the end of even the roughest days.  Snuggles and lovins from my favorite girl. 

Oh hey. You must be the terrible twos.

My child sleeps.  Soundly and like the dead.  And since daylight savings time,  we've had wake-ups at 9:45, and 10:45.  I thought I had a toddler, not a teenager.

Speaking of teenagers, for a hot second today I would have rather been dealing with the "I hate yous" of teenage angst than the tantrums of the terrible twos.   Grass is greener, I know.  I know.

Seriously?  Totally giving me the stink eye. 

It was a day and a half around this house and tonight finds me feeling defeated.  It's not the first time.  And I know, trust me, I know--- it isn't the last.  Whoever tries to make motherhood look all easy and we bake cookies all day and do educational Pinterest rainy day crafts until the cows come home is full of it.  It isn't easy and I have no shame in admitting it.

Do we have days like that?  The cookie baking crafty kind?  Sure.  But no day is perfect and lately all seem to be infused with mass amounts of toddler drama and crazies. 

For the love, I am a child development major.  I haven known about the terrible twos and all the shit that goes with them long before becoming a mother.  No amount of schooling or babysitting could have prepared me for being deep in the trenches with my own child.  Basically as a single mother.  When Paul is home?  What a difference.  She is so much more manageable and pleasant.  Like that doesn't make me feel like a terd.  Like it's all me.  Womp womp.

Don't get me wrong.  Elena is my best friend.  She is funny, loveable, affectionate, engaging, silly, smart...I am obsessed with her and miss her the second she falls asleep.  We have a million wonderful moments in a given day.  Moments where I stand in awe of this amazing creature God has blessed me with.  So many more wonderfully awesome moments than the ones that have me ranting tonight.

Sparkles and unicorns right there, people.  Makes it all worth it. 

But those ugly moments need to be documented, too.  Motherhood isn't all sparkles and unicorns.  It's slaps across the face from your kid in Trader Joe's because she doesn't want you to have your hands on the grocery cart.  It's that sassy "nope" when you ask her to do something routine.  It's that red face of embarrassment you get when your adorable spawn is the only one in gymnastics that wants no part of the parachute and lets everyone within a ten mile radius know it with her screams. All of it and then some.

But you know what?  I'll take it.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I'm hoping for sparkles and unicorns, but will navigate the tantrums and crazies, come as they will.  No doubt. 

Letting the World Know

Most of my immediate family and close friends know I'm pregnant again.  The ones who know our struggles with infertility and loss.  The ones who have been our biggest cheerleaders and greatest supporters. 

I wasn't sure how I felt about doing a big Facebook reveal to let every other Tom, Dick, and Harry know, but ultimately I decided I definitely wanted to share this exciting time with friends and extended family.  Facebook is good for mass sharing.  I'm sure you've heard.

When I was pregnant with Elena I don't think I posted one belly shot.  In fact, I know I didn't.  Maybe a tagged photo from my baby shower made it on my timeline. I never updated my status with how many times I peed the night before or to share the current state of my vulvar varicosity.  I dare you to google that one.  I am not one to complain in general, but I never would even dream of posting my pregnancy woes for others to eye roll.  'Cause that's what I do if you FB complain.  Especially about pregnancy.  I'm aware that I'm hypersensitive because all that I've gone through.  Even still, my threshold for public complaining on FB is very, very low.  We've all got problems.  And I guarantee someone is begging for yours.  I digress.

I actually felt bad posting about my pregnancy with Elena.  Felt bad because several close and dear friends, whom I knew would see my updates, were struggling with loss, infertility, adoption difficulties and the like.  I knew how it crushed my heart just a little bit each time I saw someone post SURPRISE! We're PREGNANT.  I hated being that girl.  But sometimes I was. 

After I had Elena, I realized I had been a little bit foolish in my thinking.  Sparing others feelings, while considerate of me, I suppose, sort of took away from my own glorious hallelujah I'm the freaking one that's finally pregnant moments.  I have always had a tendency to put others' feelings before my own.  This case was no exception.  Not that I would ever be one to gloat or attention whore myself to the point you'd want to block my updates {jeez, I hope that's not me}.

In any case, I decided this time?  This time I'm sharing it.  I'm making it Facebook official.  This exciting and miraculous time.  My first little miracle is becoming a big sister.  My body is carrying another babe.  I am doubly blessed.

If by chance, you are that girl, like I was, with a  hurting heart, I implore you....Don't let it break your spirit if your miracle hasn't happened yet.  Instead, let it serve to remind you to always believe and hope for what your heart desires.  Miracles DO happen.  My heart will be praying for *YOUR* miracle.

I did a photo shoot Monday in hopes of capturing a picture to use as our FB announcement.  My subject was less than cooperative for what I had in mind, but was adorable nonetheless doing her own thing.  Here are some of my favorite photos.  She kills me, this kid.

Winning shot.  Going live on Valentine's Day. 

Hopefully by the time her sister arrives, she'll have warmed up to the idea. 

Such a professional

Shirt

 

When you ask her, "Who's gonna be a big sister?" she points to herself like this and says "ME!"

My sunshine girl

ME!

On Breastfeeding: A letter to my baby

When I was pregnant with Elena I worried that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed her.  I had always known I'd wanted to breastfeed, and perhaps because getting pregnant was such a struggle, I just assumed everything that came along with pregnancy would be difficult, too.  Breastfeeding included.

In any case, it was a legitimate worry in those months leading up to her birth. I can remember squeezing my nipples in the shower hoping that some breast milk would come squirting out, and panicking slightly when it didn't, no matter how hard I tried.  I prayed, actually prayed to God to allow me to be able to nurse my child.  It was important to me.  

I remember the moment that I pulled Elena onto my body immediately after she was born.  All the fear that had built up inside me about being a new mother washed away.  At that exact moment in time it was as if I was fulfilling the role I was always meant to have.  There was no fear.  No worry.   No "what do I do now?"  Those first moments of meeting her in the flesh are the most precious moments of my life.  Laying her on my bare chest and seeing this sheer miracle of life rooting her little rosebud lips to find my breast, well, it was beauty in it's purest form. All that worry seemed for naught.

I'm eternally grateful to my sister-in-law who photographed Elena's entire birth and captured those first tender moments of us together once she had arrived.  I cherish them.   Having the pictures of my sweet little babe latching on for the first time will always be a treasure.  

I wanted to remember the last time as beautifully and clear as I remembered the first.  On the evening after our last "milkie" I wrote this in my phone.  I'm finally getting around to transcribing it here.

 ***Written on 10.14.12.  A letter to my baby.  My little love. ***

511 days I nursed you.  Just a week shy of your 17 month birthday.  Could we have gone longer?  Yes.  Did we go longer than I thought we'd be able to?  Yes.  Did we keep at is as long as I'd hoped?  Indeed.  I'm proud of us, little girl.  So proud.  

At this point, we were down to just one milkie session a day.  First thing in the morning.  It was the last session to go because it was your favorite.  The one you asked for and cherished.  Me too, little girl.  Me too.  Nothing filled my mama heart more than having you reach for me as soon I walked into your room-sleep still in your eyes and baby's breath filling the room.  Your crazy hair, wild from last night's sleep.  I will miss this.  Our special bond.  Our quiet cuddle time.  It filled me up and made me feel necessary and relevant. 

I had hoped to stop when you were ready.  Are you, my sweet love?  I don't know.  It's not on your time- our stopping- and that hurts Mama's heart.  You cried this morning when I told you there was no more milkie as you pulled at my shirt and feverishly signed please and milk.  That broke my heart, sweet girl.  But, that shattered heart grew two times in size with love and pride when you finally settled to take some milk from a sippy cup.  You are such a big girl and my heart swells every time your independence shines.   

I'm sure our milkie time was more out of comfort than nutrition at this point.  Though I know you still reaped the benefits of whatever mama's milk you got.  My breasts are full and heavy now if that is any indication that my milk was, in some regards, plentiful.  Even this far along, I still felt the "let down" sensation and will miss it.  Waiting for it.  Expecting it.  That rush of endorphins.  The high of knowing I was filling you up with goodness and nurturing your physical being and your emotional little self, too.  

I had always hated my breasts before you, little girl.  They weren't big enough, or sometimes too big depending on what I was wanting to wear.  They weren't as perky as my 20-something boobs and dammit if my areolas weren't the size of silver dollars!  But nursing you?  Man.  That was a game changer in terms of how I felt about my girls.  I am thankful for them.  Proud of them.  In awe of all that they have accomplished and overcome in 17 months of motherhood.  It wasn't always easy and we had our obstacles from latching issues to a nursing strike.

I have never really felt crazy passionate about something.  Until breastfeeding.  Plenty of people-most in fact-though it was less than normal for you to still be nursing.  Don't even get me started on that, BooBoo.  I could get all La Leche League on their assses.  I would feed you anywhere.  Anytime.  In fact, I probably did.  Always using a cover or blanket if we were in public.  Not because I'm against just whipping them out, but because I'm a modest gal of sorts and that is what was comfortable for me.  

One of the craziest places I ever nursed you was when we were driving on one of our 10 hour car rides between NJ and OH.  I unbuckled myself, climbed in the backseat, and hovered over you in the carseat for you to nurse.  Not the safest for Mama, I know.  I would have proudly breast fed you longer.  In fact, I wanted to at least nurse you until your 2nd birthday, but it was time for Mommy and Daddy to start trying to get your a brother or a sister.  And, with IVF there are lots of medicines that wouldn't be safe for you, my love.  So this is what we had to do.  Our approach was slow- eliminating one session every two weeks and I hope that it helps to make this transition easier on you.

I couldn't have made it this far without the love and support of Daddy.  He really surprised me with his support of extended breastfeeding.  He isn't a self-proclaimed hippie type like Mommy.  At all.  But he adored the bond it fostered between us.  You and I.  And he loved that it was the magic panacea for pretty much anything that ailed you.  Mommy and her magic boobies.  I will miss that.  My boobies sure were great problem solvers.  Daddy was known to say- "Give her the boooooob!" He's so silly.  

But now, as you advance into toddlerhood, I'll look forward to all the new ways we can grow together and bond.  You're such a busy bee and are so excited about the world.  Luckily we won't be at a loss for things to do to keep us going.  And when you reach for me and pull at my shirt, clearly in your language of wanting milkie, I will offer you comfort with all the mommy love and kisses and squeezes you need.  I won't let go baby until you tell me to.  

I hope you'll still let me hold you like my baby and rock you.  So I can stroke your hair and trace my fingers over your cheeks and perfect little nose, taking in every square inch of the miracle that is you.  Nursing you became so much more than feeding you.  It filled you up, but I think it filled me up just as much.  Thank you, my sweet love, for all that you are and all that you've allowed me to become as your mother.  Thank you for giving me a confidence and strength I never knew I possessed.  We've got this gig down, girlfriend.  I can't wait for all the wonder and joy that awaits us.  Together. 

Not sure what happened to the end of 2012, but I'm back.

Hard to believe that it's a week into the New Year and I'm just coming around.  Blogging fell by the wayside when we home in NJ for the holidays.  Not spending a single day of the month of December in my own home really threw my schedule and routine for a loop.  Not to mention the whole getting pregnant thing was time consuming and stressful.  Oh yeah, and the holidays happened.  In any case, I'm glad that I focused more on family and friends than my social media vices.  It feels good to be back, though.

Stay tuned for belated Christmas and New Year posts, even though I  did a pretty poor job of documenting our month home.  I blame it on the ridiculous fatigue that I've been feeling.  I was just too tired. That makes me sad but it is what it is and I'm not gonna beat myself up over it. 

I rang in 2013 with a hacking cough and an overall feeling of crappiness, but am so thankful that it didn't develop into anything worse.  Unfortunately, my little love was not spared.  She's come down with a nasty cold...only the second one she's had.  Productive cough, runny nose, gunky eyes.  Breaks my heart to see her sick, though you'd never know it by her attitude and energy, which radiate even when she's under the weather.  

Sick baby snuggles.

The upside to the toddler sickies are the increased toddler snuggles, which this mama does not mind. 

We're hoping the biggest baby of them all {ahem, Paul} doesn't get sick next.  He's traveling this week so at least he'll get a break from the germs and hopefully will come home to two healthy girls.  

Once we're out of the sick ward I'm planning to get back into my groove here.  Lots of things to talk about....Baby #2 news, weekly updates, holiday recap, some new recipes, Pinterest creations, and a whole lot of all the little things.

Santa Baby...Then and Now

We did a lot of prep for this, ya know.  Pointing out every Santa we saw to familiarize her with this fat jolly bearded  stranger.   Santa "drive bys" at every single mall we've visited since the North Pole invaded for the season.  I even bought her a life size (toddler life size, anyway) Santa balloon from the grocery store, hoping they'd be fast friends.  

Much different than my approach last year.  You know,  for first year Santa pictures. 

Last year was a breeze.  We tortured her by changing her in the middle of the mall because I didn't want her dress to wrinkle in the car seat (puhleeeaze...first time mom shit right there).  She hardly complained.  We waited on line for an hour.  She was a peach.  We plopped our roly-poly on Santa's lap and it was like love at first sight---full out tugging on his beard and all smiles for the camera.  

And this year, well...

She was all "Hiii Santa" with her cute open/close wave when we were next in line.  Clearly my month of planning was successful.  For a fleeting moment I thought we had a chance.  But really? Deep down in my mama gut?  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would have no part in sitting on his lap willingly, let alone with a smile. 

And really? 

I was secretly hoping for the token get-me-the-hell-off-this-fluffball's lap picture.  And I got it.  Complete with screamfest 2012 and a clear shot of back molars for the win.  #success


Merry Christmas!

And we're walking

Seriously, time seems to be spinning out of control.  Sundays blend into Mondays and by Tuesday I'm thinking it's Friday.  Happy Hour, anyone?

In the midst of it all---the chaos, the fun, the tantrums---I've blinked and my baby has evolved into a toddler.  Literally, a toddler.  As in one who toddles around.  She took her first steps a week after her 13 month birthday and has been teasing us with a few steps here and there for weeks now. 

Finally, this past weekend, girlfriend really stepped up her walking game.  She's got this sort of zombie gait {think MJ in Thriller} that gives off the vibe she's been swigging from Mommy's sippy, if ya' know what I mean.  Relax, I do not give my kid booze...unless you count the Jack Daniels I rub on her gums at night to numb the pain.  I kid.  I kid.  Though I can't guarantee my in-laws haven't tried it.

And, because I suck and haven't uploaded any videos yet, I'll just have to leave you with a picture of my big girl.  The only thing cuter than a new-to-walking toddler....one in Crocs and a jean jacket.  I die. 

Friday's Letters

Dear Paul, Thank the sweet lord you are on your way home today.  Mama needs a break. I desperately missed you.

Dear Single mothers, I tip my hat to you.  Taking care of a little one solo is no effing joke.  I am incredibly grateful that, although I'm alone most of the week, I have a another set of hands on the weekend that help to restore my sanity and help lighten the load.

Dear Big Brother, I freaking love you.  I am so ecstatic that the remainder of my summer has you on the calendar 3 nights a week!

Dear ADT installer guy, Please, if you'd be so kind as to blow that last puff of smoke from your Marlboro outside and NOT in my foyer, that'd be greeeeeat.  Kthanks. 

Dear Old Bag of Nails, I am really excited to eat at your establishment tonight for the first time.  Do you think it'd be ridic if I ordered the beer battered pickles, spinach artichoke dip, french onion soup AND the wedge salad?

Dear Elena, I cannot believe all that you've learned in the past week.  Signing like crazy...more, all done, I love you.  You seem to comprehend everything I say.  Taking your first steps.  Saying your first word besides Dada.  Even if it wasn't Mama, I know Lola is super pumped. You completely amaze me. 

Dear TJ Maxx, I'm sorry I never gave you the time of day.  After yesterday I've learned the error of my ways.  I'll be back.  Bible. 

Dear muffin top, It. Is. OVER.  I am officially breaking up with you.  I'm sick of looking at you.  Sick of you consuming too many of my thoughts.  Sick of you photo bombing every picture of me.  It is time for you to vacate the premises. Buh Bye.

Dear body, If muscle memory really exists, could you please remember back to my 2003 body.  I'd like that one back.  Much appreciated.   


This was totally fun! If you haven't done so already, visit Ashley at Adventures of Newlyweds and Link up!

A day at the park

Our last winter in NJ before we move to OH has been pretty good to us.  The days have been unseasonably warm and we are taking full advantage, happily running our errands, getting out of the house, and yes, even going to the park. I was pretty sure Elena's first swing at the park would be in Ohio this spring, so I was delighted that, with temps in the mid-60's and Daddy working from home, we'd get to go to our neighborhood park for some February fun.  Serioulsy? I'll take it! That groundhog better not see his shadow.

Elena loved the park and could have happily stayed in that swing all day if she had her way.  It took my breath away to see her, mouth open, breeze blowing her hair, legs kicking.  She took it all in and it was pure magic. How I have longed for this exact moment.  And it played out in my head exactly as I'd always hoped and dreamed it would. 

Rolls and Giggles

Elena is officially rolling over.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been waiting for her to do this for weeks. Now that it has, I have a twinge of sadness at how fast my girl is growing up.  She is clearly not a baby anymore. I mean, duh, she's a baby, but not a baby-baby.  She must have gotten quite a work out from Eleanor at PT yesterday. I'm thinking it greased up her baby parts nice and good because there was no slowing girlfriend's roll today. We were doing tummy time on the floor and she cocked her head back and the rest of her body followed.  She was supremely pleased with herself.  Paul and I were hooting and hollering and cheering like whack jobs.  Not sure how tummy time works now that she knows how to get out of it.  Hmm. 

In other firsts, she also hysterically giggled for the first time the other night when I was getting her ready for bed.   It is absoultely priceless.  I love how she gets pissed when I stop.  Unfortunately, I could only email a portion of the video, so it isn't the whole thing.  Certainly enough though.  Love this kid.

Hello? Is anybody out there?

I am a creeper.  A lurker.  A sit-in-the-back-and-wait-for-somebody-else-to-ask-the-question-I-want-to kind of girl.  I've been that way for most of my life, and although people who meet me would never guess I have social anxiety, it is real and I do. This is not a character trait I am proud of.  Certainly not one that I want to pass on to Elena as she blossoms into a young woman.  I want to teach her confidence.  I want her to be heard, to contribute, to express herself.  I want for her so many things that I worry I won't be able to teach her adequately because of my shortcomings-my anxieties.  I've realized that I need to work towards being a better version of myself so that I can be that example to her. 

So here I am today, coming out of hiding to share my voice.  So that maybe one day my little sunshine girl will know her mama as someone who had something to say and said it, even if no one wanted to listen.

I love reading blogs and there are a handful that I regularly keep up with. Today I've decided to officially follow them and be an active participant in the blogging world.  Now that I am a stay at home mom, preparing for a huge move to a place where I know NO ONE, I'm looking forward to blogging as a way to connect and share with people.  So, here goes this girl, out on a limb, ready to say whatever it is I want to say.  I'll start with thanks for stopping by :)

Monday's Moments

Just some random happenings from our day.  

Paul left for Ohio for the week.

Elena had her 5 month appointment.  She got 3 shots and two Daffy Duck band aids.  

She hardly slept all day and finally passed out at 8:45 (crap...she is tossing and turning and rubbing her eyes as I watch her on the monitor.  And now crying.)

I wore Elena poop for the first time.  Her blowout erupted out of the back of her pants while I was burping her on my lap.  Cloth dipes were in the wash and she was in a disposable. Nice.

I cried when my friend text me that Giuliana.Rancic  has breast cancer.

I made two boxes of frozen hors d' oeuvres from Trader Joe's for dinner and proceeded to throw them out b/c they were nasty.

Watched Elena as she pulled her paci in and out of her mouth, closely studying it while she maneuvered it with her little hands.  Her dexterity amazes me.

My most favorite time of today was nursing.  I adore how she pulls at my hair, strokes the fabric of my shirt, plucks at my bra strap, and punches and pokes at my boob.  It is the cutest thing ever.

I foolishly worried that a dear friend was mad at me.  Like we are in high school or something.  I can be totally paranoid sometimes a lot of the time. 

Time continued to fly, as it has for the past 152 days.  Just a few months ago those now exploring hands were balled up drinking fists.

I got a nose.frida in the mail today.  Google it.  It's not as gross as it sounds and I am kinda excited to try it.  

After 10 months of living at this address I finally ordered garbage service.

Ordering said garbage service was the only thing I checked off my list of things to do.  

I forgot to water the mums.

Lola peed 6 times on one wee wee pad.  That is by far the most ever! 

Grandpa stopped by.  His visits will be missed when we are in Ohio.  He'll have to learn how to SKYPE so he can sing to Elena.  

Halloween is coming and it needs to hurry so I can get this candy out.of.my.house.  Seriously, I will never buy candy so prematurely again.  Honest.  

Not bad for an unproductive Monday.  What's a post without a picture...

Weighing in at 14lbs 8 oz